Postcards from...The Ladies Room

Ladies:
I know we're all of the womanly persuasion, but do I really need to know about:

1. Your lack of tampons? ("Hey", she whispers from the adjacent stall "I can't get to the dispenser...would you happen to have a tampon?") Is this really something you borrow and give back? Can you say Ewwwwwww?!

2. Your weight and/or body image concerns? This is expressly directed to the receptionist at the office. I love the girl, but I seriously think she has a problem. I mean who would take 2 days off from work because they get a pimple? She couldn't be any bigger than a size 2 and she's always talking about getting on the treadmill and about "feeling fat". So she must look at me and think I'm as big as a house (I wear a size 4 -- I probably should just sign up for a fat farm right now!) She answers and directs calls in the office (which is a crime in itself if you heard her voice!) all while flipping through the latest fashion magazine. (Trying to emulate the waifs are you?) The one thing that she should be doing? EATING SOMETHING!!

3. Your yeast infections? C'mon now -- there really is nothing else to say about that except: please, let that issue RISE somewhere else dammit!!

4. Your relationship woes? I mean really, when did the toilet bowl become a substitute for the therapist's couch? No one in here cares about what happens with you and your man. No, let me re-phrase that: I don't care about what happens with you and your man!!

Please don't misunderstand. I am all for women being there and for supporting each other with the coddling and the pep talks, but I just don't need to know about your dating and/or divorce dilemmas during my...(for a lack of a better word) dump or your parenting procedures and/or play dates during my (again for a lack of a better word) pee. What ever happened to the days when you could just go to the bathroom and do your business? When the only thing bathroom time was about was you, a newspaper and the determination to get the job done.



All I ask is that I please be able to diddle without distractions. Now, if you'll excuse me, before the train ride home...Nature calls.