Untitled Post/The Letter

She perched herself upon her bedroom windowsill and allowed the feelings deeply set in her heart to spill...
Onto moistened paper stained with many tears
Where her utterances sang of her heartaches, worries and her fears
She wanted to let the world in on what should be known…
That her feelings are true and that they would wait for the hand still not yet shown.
In spite of the battle between her heart’s joys and her mind’s concerns. The embers of the love she feels within still burns.
She sits and writes a letter:


Dear Henry –

How can I begin? How can I begin to tell you what you mean to me? I find that I am sometimes lost in the reverie.
It feels like we are on standing at the base of a hill. It's
a hill of good intentions to be climbed that soon became too steep to bear. I find that I would look at you and often wonder, where could we possibly go from here?
Do we have what it takes to make the other happy, to give the smallest gift of a smile? Would we or could we travel love’s distance…could we go that extra mile? I want to look at you and know that we did not end too soon. What I know for certain now is that you are my Henry and I am your June. Let time stand still where it has us in a warm and lasting embrace. Where I would want for nothing more than to stare into your face. I would get lost in the black stars that are your eyes. Together we will look up into the heavenly skies. I would take comfort in the poetry that falls from your lips and feel at ease with the touch of your finger tips. We will walk hand and hand one day and watch all the flowers around us bloom. But in this moment we are the dearest of friends, please be well dear Henry.

Love now and always, June

Distant Love

Did you ever say I love you
And the breeze took your words away
Did you feel them as they lingered
Then slowly drifted on their way

Did they journey long, searching for
The distant love you hoped they’d find
Was someone out there listening
For words from heart and mind

Did you ever hear I love you
As the wind blew through the trees
Closed your eyes and felt them there
As they came quietly in the breeze

Did you ever say I love you
And hear it whispered in return
Feeling your distant love beside you
And the desire within you burn

Did you ever see I love you
Floating quietly to you with ease
Wandering peacefully there beside you
Comes I love you in the breeze

-- FAD ;-)

Middle Age

To know how to grow old is the master work of wisdom, and one of the most difficult chapters in the great art of living. -- Henri Frederic Amiel

Whoever, in middle age, attempts to realize the wishes and hopes of his early youth, invariably deceives himself. Each ten years of a man's life has its own fortunes, its own hopes its own desires. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

Here's to growing older...and wiser.

This Is Only A Test...

It was…the day of reckoning. The day that I had been working towards for almost a year had finally arrived. I had been jittery all week knowing that I had to face the road that lay ahead today (pun intended). And I think in spite of what everyone has had to say about him, that I had whom I believe to be the coolest driving instructor around. C. Turner. Not only was he funny, but he also made driving fun. He isn’t the kind of person whose spirit would blossom sitting behind a desk. The previous night I had what I’d hope to be my final lesson. And I was relaxed, especially knowing that I passed the pre-road test that Turner had given me a few days before. “V.E.S – Visualization Equates Success” It was the mantra I had come up with to get me through this experience. (But then again – it seems perfect for just about any ambition that one may have!) Come on L, you can do this!!

So after my lesson that night, I had decided that it would be best if I just came back home and went straight to bed. Any focus that was not on the task at hand would be an immediate distraction (Can you picture it? Me – sitting on my bed Indian style, eyes closed, affirming my intention to the universe: “Ohm…Ohm…Ohm.” LOL Nahhhh, I didn’t really do that but ya’ll get the idea. I needed to focus!) The visualizing exercise was something that I had always found helpful in school, along with studying of course: I would visualize myself sitting at my desk and immersing myself in the exam. (I’d come a long way from writing the answers on a cheat sheet or the palm of my hand!) And so, it was this technique that I took to bed with me that night. I literally visualized the entire thing happening in my head: I would get in, put my seat belt on, adjust my mirrors, place the car in drive, flash my signal indicator, turn my wheel one half turn to the left, look out for oncoming traffic and slowly push off onto the roadway. But there seemed to be a glitch in the program…**Scary Movie Music Plays** Out of all the nights for me to get a headache, this was not it!!! Dammit! The stress that I was causing myself was finally about to explode in my head! “Calm down…you can do this!” One would think that I was on my way to my own execution! (That’s an interesting choice of words. Is this really something that I should associate with driving?! Damn!) But the only thing that I immediately wanted to execute was the throbbing tension headache. So I took some aspirin, put a covered ice pack on my head and went off to sleep. But even in sleep, my mind was racing. I was tossing and turning. I was going between sleep and waking all night. But somehow, sleep found me and I made it through the night.

A few hours later, my eyes literally just sprang open. The time: 6:53 a.m. I turned down the volume on my alarm (CD 101.9. An easy listening station. It’s the calmest station I could find to wake up to. Waking up to jazz is so much better than waking up to 50 Cent screaming in my ear. No offense 50!) and just stared up at the ceiling for while (Dang! Is that chipped paint?! And after all that time I spent painting my room!) This was it. So I made the same morning preparations I make on the day of any big test: shower, get dressed, have a good breakfast and take one last look over all relevant information. (The last time I went through this type of ritual was right before taking my LSAT -- Law School Admission Test. I had to travel all the way to Staten Island in a blizzard while the rest of New York was snowed in! Who the hell wants to get on a ferry at 7:00 a.m. in that weather?! Blahhhhhh!!) In this case, it was one last review of the driver’s manual. There really wasn’t anything to look at…I knew all this stuff, but I felt like it was my “Apollo Theater Log” – I had to rub it for good luck! LOL! 7:51 a.m. The phone rings. It was Turner. “Are you ready? Of course you’re ready! I’m on my way!”

I hung up the phone and immediately felt the need to catch my breath. What last minute thing could I do to calm myself down? My mind went blank! The next thing I know, Turner calls again: “I’m downstairs.” I go downstairs and see this man smiling at me with an out stretched hand reaffirming my confidence in myself. “Good Morning! This is it! You’re gonna do it today!” I shake his hand and get into the driver’s seat. I calmly go through the routine and we’re off to the testing site. On the way to the site, Turner decides that we should stop for gas. (Not only would it be funny…it would be so bad. Can you imagine, right in the middle of the test…the car dies on me!!!). It was at that moment that I took a look at myself in the rearview mirror. Why was I so nervous? “You are a driver girl!! Pretty soon you’ll be pumping your own gas!!” Turner gets back in. Within minutes we’re pulling up behind a long line of cars at the Starrett City testing site.

We were 12th in line. Turner immediately senses my apprehension and offers me a piece of gum. Now if anyone knows the experience of driving with me after having any kind of sugar, you’d know that offering me candy couldn’t be a good thing. According to Turner I turn into some sort of bouncing and hyper fuse ball! But today, it had the completely opposite affect. I was calm. I was ready. Turner tells me that he knows some of the examiners and warns me not to say a word to whoever my examiner turns out to be. “Charm is not your friend!!” I got it. So, we turn on the radio and wait…and wait…and wait. But just when I thought there wouldn’t be an end to the waiting, the end came. We were one car from the front of the line. It was at that point that Turner and I got out of the car. Turner says that this guy, whom he called his “Drunk Uncle”, was a cool guy. No need to be nervous. The examiner walks over to the car and I get in. He gets in on the passenger side. “Good Morning”, he says. I figured a good morning wouldn’t be an issue (“Charm is not your friend…Charm is not your friend”) so I say, “Good Morning”. And I now know it’s real when he says “Ok, please start the car and leave the curb when it’s safe to do so…” I do all the things that I’ve been doing all this time, but this time it’s for real. It was all like an out of body experience. I saw myself driving. Listening intently to everything the examiner was saying. Now I have to say that the issue for me was my left turns. I would get to the center and always turn my steering wheel before the need to arose or I would even race ahead knowing that a car was in clear view! But I made a conscious decision in the last month or so of my lessons to listen. “Please make a left turn” I signal and when all is clear, I make my left turn. I did it!! But it wasn’t over yet. I had to do that two more times along with three right turns, a k-turn and the all important parallel park. It was in the middle of my parallel park that I start smiling inside. This was it. This was my Olympic moment. I was given the opportunity to prove my skills and all I had to do now was nail the landing. After all of that, the examiner then tells me to drive back to the testing site.

I pull over and put the car in park. It was over. I knew it was over, but the wait for an answer was nerve wrecking! I look over and watch as the examiner’s pen moves feverishly across his little p.d.a. He then looks at me and says what I think was the coolest thing I’d heard in quite some time: “Please sign here. Your license should be available to you in about 2 to 3 weeks.” “I passed?” He looks at me and smiles: “Yes…you are now licensed to drive in New York State.” I PASSED!!! Oh my God!!! I passed my road test! I thank the examiner and get out of the car to see Turner on the corner. I take a couple of steps and immediately started jumping up and down! I run over and give Turner a hug. He congratulates me and says that he knew that I had it in me. I can now breath a sigh of relief.



I have conquered my fear. I have wrapped it up and put it in a pretty box and sent it on its way. This is only one in a list of fears to be conquered. Yes, the list is still long. But now there's the confidence to drive through them all – one at a time!

Poisoned Seeds

Spread afar your seeds that fly,
Words of hate, turn black sky.
Self-sowed within your veins.
Envy runs through as it rains.
Sprouted lies, out gritted teeth.
Scorn boils your heart beneath.

Broke the ground under my feet.
Backstabbing hid behind the deceit.
Rotten bark masked your face.
Now you're gone without a trace.
Wind Whispers, to former friend.
"Only Loneliness is at your end."

-Hels

Postcards from...The Ladies Room

Ladies:
I know we're all of the womanly persuasion, but do I really need to know about:

1. Your lack of tampons? ("Hey", she whispers from the adjacent stall "I can't get to the dispenser...would you happen to have a tampon?") Is this really something you borrow and give back? Can you say Ewwwwwww?!

2. Your weight and/or body image concerns? This is expressly directed to the receptionist at the office. I love the girl, but I seriously think she has a problem. I mean who would take 2 days off from work because they get a pimple? She couldn't be any bigger than a size 2 and she's always talking about getting on the treadmill and about "feeling fat". So she must look at me and think I'm as big as a house (I wear a size 4 -- I probably should just sign up for a fat farm right now!) She answers and directs calls in the office (which is a crime in itself if you heard her voice!) all while flipping through the latest fashion magazine. (Trying to emulate the waifs are you?) The one thing that she should be doing? EATING SOMETHING!!

3. Your yeast infections? C'mon now -- there really is nothing else to say about that except: please, let that issue RISE somewhere else dammit!!

4. Your relationship woes? I mean really, when did the toilet bowl become a substitute for the therapist's couch? No one in here cares about what happens with you and your man. No, let me re-phrase that: I don't care about what happens with you and your man!!

Please don't misunderstand. I am all for women being there and for supporting each other with the coddling and the pep talks, but I just don't need to know about your dating and/or divorce dilemmas during my...(for a lack of a better word) dump or your parenting procedures and/or play dates during my (again for a lack of a better word) pee. What ever happened to the days when you could just go to the bathroom and do your business? When the only thing bathroom time was about was you, a newspaper and the determination to get the job done.



All I ask is that I please be able to diddle without distractions. Now, if you'll excuse me, before the train ride home...Nature calls.

Ooh! My Toof!

Aaarrhhh!

This is me (well not really, but I she's a great representation of me) ...in pain. I'm in the throws of a toothache brought on by what -- a grain from an oatmeal cookie? A piece of whatever from last night's dinner? I don't know but it hurts!!! Ooooh!!!

I feel desperate. What can I do to have the pain go away? This reminds me of that scene in the Tom Hanks movie "Cast Away" -- where Tom Hanks' character has a never ending toothache and he resorts to taking a rock to the blade of an ice-skate (his character is a Fed-Ex exec whose plane goes down and he gets stranded on an island. The ice-skates were one of the many remnants left after the crash! Go out and rent it! Good movie!) and knocking his own tooth out! Desperate...yes. Suicidal...Hell no!

Do I Want To Go Out?

This is me...feeling a bit boxed in today!

I'm sitting here seriously wondering if I have the energy to get up, shower, get dressed and head out of the house today. I've called my former co-worker (and now satellite friend) to see what adventures she may be willing to get into today, but she's been so busy apartment hunting that I'm sure she won't have time to call me back. (No worries Jus, still love ya girl!)
Chilling out at home with some DVD's (I just got some new movies from Netflix -- Something's Gotta Give with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton and Love Jones -- I must have seen this movie at least 4 times, but it's a celebration of black love, ya gotta love that!) and some rice and peas and jerk chicken is a great way to spend a Sunday.

But I need to get out -- it's such a pleasant day and I don't want to be sitting at my desk tomorrow wishing I had taken advantage of the last bit of the weekend. *sigh* Ok, ok...this is ridiculous! I could be out rollerblading or bargain hunting at the Prospect Park flea market or strolling the Brooklyn Heights Promenade. What's a girl to do? I'll let you folks in on what I decided a little later.

Insomnia and Oatmeal Cookies

The Insomniac's Remedy! Yummm!

Its 1:30 in the morning. I don't have anything particularly profound or earth shattering to say except that I can't sleep. Staring up at the ceiling and counting sheep hasn't helped. So I'm now numbing myself with bad late night t.v. (more specifically old "E.R." re-runs) and oatmeal cookies (Milk! I need milk!) I'm also taking the time to poke around to the pages of some of my fellow bloggers...nice work kids!
*ten minutes go by* Wow...I actually just yawned. So that may mean that I'm finally ready to hit the sack. But first, crumb inspection! Nothing is worse that sleeping on a "crumby" mattress -- literally and figuratively! *looks around* All clear! Alrighty, Nitey Nite folks!

Ready...Set...Job Hunt!

I woke up this morning with a great deal of optimism. For one, I allowed myself the day off. It’s the first I’ve had in a long time and also because I’ve taken yet another pro-active step in my pursuit for some semblance of peace. I took the advice of a co-worker, printed out some resumes and headed to a women’s oriented job fair. I was actually excited about the notion of selling myself to a prospective employer. I’ve been in the trenches for so long now, that the idea doesn’t scare me so much anymore (this is not to say that I am a fan of the job interview – let it be known – I am NOT a fan, but it is a necessary evil that I don’t allow to overwhelm me as it once did).

So I donned my best suit and headed out the door! I have to say – I love the looks I get when I’m in my job hunting/interviewing best. The women stare admiringly and/or respectfully. And the men…well the men make this nerdy girl’s day. All I can say is: I bet your local librarian never looked this good! HA!!

And on my way to the train station I ran into my cousin R – he looks the same as he did the last time I saw him. Disheveled but smiling. We all have those unfortunate but endearing relatives that we love but try to keep an acceptable distance from (Don’t front y’all, I know I’m not the only one! We all have that Old Uncle Smoke-Eye or Cousin Alice that we love and hope are well, but don’t necessarily expect to see at the next family reunion)!

I arrive on the scene and my immediate thought is “Wow! There are these many women out there desperate for work?!” The line in front of the New Yorker Hotel literally snaked around the block. Women (and a couple of brave men) of all ethnic and professional backgrounds seemed to have shown up. There were accountants, financial planners, real estate agents, etc. The dress code for some of the women spoke more to the weather than to the fact that they were presenting themselves to prospective employers. Some women wore what can only be called their interview or even Sunday best, while others just decided to wing it! Strappy sandals, mini skirts and tank tops. “And now ladies and gentlemen – the swimsuit competition!” After what seemed like an eternal wait in the intense heat…the line began to move. Once I got upstairs to the ballroom and saw that there were only a small variety of companies I was disappointed. But I decided that I would give it the ole’ John Jay College try. I stood on the lines to interview with the companies that were of interest to me. There weren’t many. The fair was to end at three, but I left an hour or so early. Part of me felt like I was hoodwinked…bamboozled…lead astray. This is a job fair?! What ever happened to the refreshments…or the complimentary pen and pencil set? But I had to make the best of the only sick day (*HACK* *COUGH* *WHEEZE*) that I had left. So I called some of the temp agencies I had previous assignments with and reconnected with some old contacts. At that point, I began to feel better about what I had done with my day.

At this point, hunger was beginning to set in. So I went from the west side to the east side on the search for food. It’s been so long since I’ve been anywhere near midtown. I felt almost like a tourist. I didn’t see the Naked Cowboy. But I did run into a happy apple. As it turns out it was just some guy in a costume. I thought how silly this guy looked…waving to people while dressed in an apple costume. But I ultimately had to tip him and give him his due (he was standing out in the sweltering heat dressed like a fruit!!!) as he was not the only one standing around in his “money maker” – dude, I can totally relate!


Here he is folks: The Happy Apple!

After getting a BLT wrap and a Mystic drink from a deli in the area, I began to walk. I never understood what it was to walk around in a dark suit on a hot summer day until I had to do it myself. I now have a new found respect for the men and women I see in suits. Bravo! I ended up in Bryant Park. It’s like having a touch of Paris, with its lush gardens and perennial splashes, right in the middle of Manhattan! So I pulled up a green garden chair and fell into the flow of the city…happily becoming engrossed in a magazine.


New York's Bryant Park

Later, I met up with my friend Deo, who can only be described as a New Age flower child walking to the beat of his own drum. I've even been known to refer to him as the Little Drummer Boy on occasion (he actually stands at an extenuated six feet even). We walk, we talk, we laugh, and we catch up on the musings of our day with an iced-coffee becoming the highlight of the late afternoon. And after blocks and blocks of that (there was no time for bowling or a movie), we hop on the train and head home.

And I finally made it home in time to take my driving lesson. I can almost picture my success there. But I’d have to say that in spite of the ups and downs, today was a good day. Here’s to hoping there are more and more of these good days.

"Life Is Like A Box of Chocolates..."

Forrest Gump may have been on to something there. There is a degree of hope that can be derived from that statement. It can be our downfall or our salvation. I may have experienced a bit of both in the last few days.

First -- The disillusion or "The Unpleasant Morsels". There you are looking into the gleaming box, staring at the wonderful little delicacies and gleefully anticipating that first bite. Love is something we all anticipate…the glorious first hints. The hope that we have found that special someone who loves us in spite of ourselves. Loving someone who would be there to fight the good fight with us. I thought that I knew about that. But now I have to change the channel and look at the static and ask myself: Why? Ultimately I had to face the unpleasant taste and digest that which was true for someone else. I'm not going to say that the love was never there (only he knows the answer to that for sure), but the vision of what it was...what we were...got smaller and smaller until there was nothing left.

Next – there are the morsels of indifference. The morsels that entice us but once bitten into, we may somehow feel that the taste may not be suited for us. I sit at a desk every day with that thought. Is this really where one would find that gooey goodness that comes from loving the work one does? I feel like I am now indifferent to my work. I used to love what I do. Now, I struggle with the idea that I do all that I can, while someone else receives all the accolades. There has to be something better. I think I’m going to sort through this box and try to find another piece. That gooey goodness is out there somewhere!

But then there are the pieces of life that we relish in. Friends. Family. And the simple joys that they can bring us. A perfect example of this is the weekend I spent in what has been called “The Sweetest Place on Earth”. My best friend found herself in New York on Friday. Her plan was to drive down from Pennsylvania to drop her mother off and then make the 2½ to 3-hour drive back. She called me on Friday afternoon at around 3:30 p.m. I had no idea that she was even in town:
Her: “Hey, where are you and what time do you get out of work today?”
Me: “I’ve actually just finished up here in Court. I’m heading back to the office – and in theory, my day ends at 5:30. Why…where are you?”
She then tells me that she and her boyfriend are only in town for a few hours and wanted to visit with me for a while. I instinctively and immediately ask “You’re staying right? Leaving…nahhh…you can’t be leaving. You’ve just gotten here!” I leave the office a couple of hours later truly excited. My best friend is here. It’s officially the weekend. And my plan is to convince her to hang out in New York. But after meeting up and discussing her plans, I was the one who was convinced: Go back with her to Pennsylvania and stop at Hershey Park!!! This was great! There couldn’t have been a more perfect time to get out of New York and more importantly – to get out of my head. I had been thinking wayyyy too much over the last few days. So I pack a backpack, call my buddy Deo to tag along and boldly proclaim: Let the Fun Begin!!

After grabbing a quick bite to eat, we all hit the road around 8 p.m. There’s something so cool about driving through the city at night. Watching the activities of the city fade away and turn into something serene…something calm. We thumped and bumped our way through Manhattan (Teesha likes to listen to her music fairly loudly while driving. She says it keeps her awake during these long drives. Deo and I just looked at each other like: Conversation helps keep you awake too! Why not try that?) and made our way through the Holland Tunnel to New Jersey (For God’s sake, we are under water people! I’m only going to say one thing: I CAN’T SWIM!!!). Skyscrapers soon give way to silos as we soon find ourselves in Pennsylvania Dutch Country. It was a little after midnight when we finally arrived at Teesha’s mother’s house in York, Pennsylvania.

I’m grateful to be away from the city. But once we all stepped into Mrs. J’s home, there is little room for chit-chat (a lot of that happened on the drive down). There’s just enough time and energy for us all to each take a shower, unpack and head off to bed: “Goodnight Teesha…Goodnight Tyrone…Goodnight Deo…Goodnight John Boy!” LOL

We wake up to a beautiful and sunny day in York, Pennsylvania and feel ready to take on anything. But before setting out for our day and while Tyrone and Deo are out having their early afternoon nicotine fix, Teesha and I were able to have some girl time. She tells me of her happiness in her newfound relationship. She feels light and ready to love again (this coming after breaking off an engagement several months earlier). I am so happy for her (and if you’re reading this Tee – I love you girl!!) We breathe and smile and say: Let’s go have some fun!!


Chocolate World

Bottled water? Check. Park tickets? Check. ROADTRIP!!! We piled our smiles and excitement into the car and get on the road. The trip to Hershey, Pennsylvania takes about 45 minutes to an hour. I am so excited. I don’t recall ever going on a cool class trip as a kid – every opportunity I had for one was pre-empted by life. So this was the opportunity to redeem myself. And redeem myself I did. The Trailblazer – the first rollercoaster that we all decided to ride on together and the first rollercoaster I’d ridden in years! It was a minute and 22 seconds of sheer white knuckle terror! I screamed and laughed all the way through it! It was so much fun! But the next one – The Great Bear – was something I decided to pass on (as my knees were still shaking from the last coaster) and I was glad that I did. The consensus: “Whew!” – Teesha
“Holy Crap!!” – Deo. Poor Tyrone just looked shaken. He was speechless! The rest of the day was filled with feats of strength (“Take the hammer and hit the bell folks! Step right up!!”), games of chance (Can you ever really win a doll with “The Claw?”), make believe (I was a 1930’s gangster! Armed and dangerous! I’ve got pictures!) and slurpees and cotton candy!

Hershey Park Ferris Wheel. Isn't it beautiful? Great shot Deo!



The ups and downs and the loopty loops of this experience took me to a place of joy and wonderment rather than to a place of disappointment and indifference. So yes, life is indeed like a box of chocolates, but the trick is to acknowledge that there will be pieces that are ill-flavored, but to rejoice in and savor the sweetest remnants! Enjoy!

Smiling On The Inside (No...Really...I Am!!)

After the fiasco that was the past week, I found joy, solace and comfort in my friends (Deo, Jamie and Christina! We can laugh with the best of them you guys!) and in yet another pair of shoes. A impulsive and frivolous purchase really, but what can I say -- for some people it's the drink...for me, its a strappy sandal or a chunky wedge (and besides, I still have the receipt. I can always take it back!)

And my supervisor must have received my telepathic S.O.S., because late yesterday afternoon, she finally tells me that they've decide to hire someone to ease the work load for me. This could be a blessing or a curse. This person could either rescue me from the trauma of being chained to my desk or they could be the presence that determines my unceremonious exit from the firm. I feel my paranoia setting in. This could be a blessing on many levels -- and I have to stay present in order to think of it that way.

My best friend just called and said that she's in town! What a cool surprise! I'm sure she must have thought I put her out to pasture, considering I haven't spoken to her in about two weeks. But I've been so busy here at work and honestly, once I get home dinner and Tivo are the only things that are immediately on my mind! (I highly recommend that those of you who do not have Tivo, go out and get it! Watching television will never be the same again!) But now there will be time to catch up and reach out.

Does Anyone Work Around Here?

I'm sitting here listening to two co-workers blather on about what one of them is deciding to wear to a wedding. "I would wear the blue dress to John's wedding, but I've already worn that dress and it would be in bad taste considering I've already worn it to Stacy's wedding, so I'm just wondering..." And on and on and on. Blah blah blah.

I mean I seriously have to ask: Does anyone work around here? Here I am toiling away. Trying to fulfill the demands of everyone and anyone (as this appears to be the unwritten rule for us -- the legal minions), doing the work of two people and these overstuffed bobble head dolls have the time to talk about fashion?! Give me a break!!!

Even yesterday, while I'm trying to keep my head above the sea of paper I appear to be constantly submerged in, I see that one of the partner's secretaries actually went around the office asking people what they thought about the skirt that she had recently purchased and the how to get a coffee stain out of a silk blouse while another walked slowly and sadly around the office like she had just lost her puppy. *scratching head*

A great majority of the attorneys in my office keep their doors closed. Not because they are the diligent workers that they want the world to believe they are, but because they want to cry to their husbands, wives and friends about the state of their lives. Well this is the state of my life: HELP ME!!

I've been feeling incredibly overwhelmed and vulnerable since I've had to go it alone (as my supervisor has taken to bitchin' to anyone who will listen to her about whatever may be plaguing her; from a blow up with her boyfriend/fiancee/Svengali...whatever to an ingrown toe nail. My one piece of advice: Grow up honey, it doesn't matter how many office Christmas parties you've been to or smoke breaks you've had together, these bitches and their cohorts are not -- I repeat NOT your friends and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can snap out of your delusions and get some work done!!) and I feel like I may either have to take the drastic step of jumping ship...or wait for them to push me off the plank. To put it simply -- I'm suffering from the burn-out blues!

My life for eight hours a day, every day, five days a week is about the bottom line. The billable hour. "You gotta bill, bill, bill." That seems to be the mantra! They have subconsciously held that over the head of everyone who is to mark down the comings and goings of their day: Receipt and review of letter from counsel...point one. Phone call to client...point two. The only solace I have at the moment is the vision that I maintain in my head of handing the Mafia Midget with a Napoleon Complex my resignation letter. "Dear Sirs: Take that suckas!!" Now, that has got to be billable somehow!

The Misfortunes of a Monday

6:18 a.m. I breathe a sigh of relief. "Oh good...I still have a little time left..." Here I am trying to hold on to the remnants of sleep, knowing I have get up in an hour.
The next time I look at the flickering green numbers on my clock it says 8:16 a.m.: Oh My God!!!! I immediately spring into action: I run into the bathroom to brush my teeth, use the lieu and wash the sleep off my face with just enough time to look at the wet and sad reflection staring back at me and lament "It's Monday."

I run back into my room and turn on the idiot box. Is it just me or does the act of getting ready in the morning feel less lonely when you have Al Roker telling you how the weather is in your neck of the woods or when Diane Sawyer gives you that decades old pageant queen smile and says: "Good Morning America"? For those of you who aren't familiar with the morning line-up here in New York, Al Roker is the jolly jester of the "Today" show on WNBC (including Matt Lauer and Ann Curry) while Diane Sawyer (along with Ms. "Come On Back" herself, Robin Roberts) is the beauty queen turned anchor on WABC. With time quickly slipping away, there’s really no time to decide on what will make me feel absolutely fabulous today. Instead I wonder, is this clean? Can I get away with wearing flip-flops to the office, as I can’t find the one pair of sandals that will go with this outfit!! Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!! The iron is hot…and so am I. The weather has cooled down a bit, but my frustration is building. "It's Monday."

I take to looking in the mirror again (I’ve come to discover that this is the one thing I can depend on to tell me the absolute truth about myself – or at the least my outer workings and right now, it was screaming at me: COMB YOUR HAIR! COMB YOUR HAIR!). There’s nothing difficult about deciding what to do with my hair. I’ve come to regard the ponytail as my trademark (along with my glasses). Ok, it’s now 8:30 a.m. Wow…all of that came together in 15 minutes? I’m on a roll! And it's at this time that I take a seat on my bed...and breathe. It's what I do to mentally prepare for the day ahead of me. Breathing in…and out. Breathe In…and out. In…and out. I take one last deep breath. My little breathing regimen has taken me 10 minutes. It’s one of the few things that I do in the morning for myself that keeps me present. (Thanks for that, Wills!) Ok, what’s next?

I am now dressed, coiffed and centered. Wills would be proud. I close my eyes and smile to myself. “Damn, where is my watch?” I thought I put it on my dresser last night! And I don’t wanna forget to put on my face: nothing over the top like mascara or foundation or blush. Just a lip pencil (Coco Loco) and a little bit of gloss (Tahitian Tea). It looks ok…I look ok. “Where are my keys?!?!” (Well, so much for being centered!) Ok…ok…I’m freaking out again. I feel like there’s only one thing that can explain it:
I didn’t get enough sleep last night.
I’m starving for a turkey bacon and cheddar omlette that I know I will not be able to have because there are reports and records and letters piling up in my inbox that I have to get to. And oh…yea…
It’s Monday.

The Anxieties and Tranquilities of the Weekend

I always have such mixed feelings on Sundays. There are the joyous feelings that I can easily recall with regards to the last 48 hours:

Friday:
i) After his attempts to embarrass me the previous day, the "Mafia Midget With A Napoleon Complex" known as the managing partner at my firm left the office early. My immediate thought was: When in Rome.... HAHAHAHAHA!! Revenge is a dish best served cold!
ii) I had an awesome driving lesson (Yes folks, after years of getting around via public transportation -- cabs (Yellow Cabbie Assassins), trains (Iron Horse Wranglers) and buses (Public Relations Dropouts!), I've decided to conquer my fear, get my ass behind the wheel and get on the road. Wish me luck!)
iii) and finally I met up with some friends with whom I was able to relay my day over drinks ("I'll have another Ketel One and Cranberry please!")

Saturday:
i)I spent the afternoon lazily walking along Astor Place, drinking iced coffee (I find that not only does Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee taste better than Starbuck's, it's cheaper and easier to order. Case in point:
Dunkin' Donuts Conversation:
Coffee Guy: "Hi, welcome to Dunkin' Donuts. Whada'll it be?"
Me: "Hiya, Lemme get a medium iced coffee. French Vanilla, milk one sugar."
Starbucks Conversation:
Barista: Good Afternoon, how are you today? What will you have?
Me: *clearing my throat preparing for my coffee composition* I'll have a double tall non-fat, no foam Caramel Espresso Latte Macchiato with room...did you get all that?" I mean really folks, do you have to be a rocket scientist or poet laureate to order a cup of coffee? C'mon now!)
ii)And I set out to hone my vocabulary skills by playing intense games of Scrabble with a friend. One guess on who won....I'M QUEEN OF THE WORLD!!! LOL (Can you spell A-N-T-E-N-N-A? Neither could he!! Forfeited the last round of the game...Yay!!!)

Sunday:
And right now, I'm on my way to get my hair done. Thankfully it should only take a couple of hours, which is a far cry from the torturous day long wait that most sisters have to endure on a weekend. (It's good to have friends in high places. All I have to do usually is let her know that I'm coming through and voila! my hair is quickly transformed!!) After getting my coif coiffed, I've been invited to hang out with some friends...The Met...The Park...anything goes.

But that's not to say that I'm not a bit anxious as well. Then of course, there are the dreadful feelings that consume me. The idea that I'll be going home in a few hours and preparing myself for another week. Another week at the firm. I sit at my desk and contemplate the idea of walking into that corner office and telling the head honcho (also known as The Mafia Midget With a Napoleon Complex) to kiss my...

But I know I could never do that...so in the meanwhile, I take my place amongst the worker bees and buzz along quietly; hoping that a flower of a more suitable, more agreeable scent will come along for me to inhale.

Cheetos, Frito-Lays and Dorito's Haze: Is There Really A Difference?

Lunch was uneventful. It consisted of a hamburger and fries combo from a bar/restaurant that I frequent down here in the Wall Street area. Even though I've often wondered whether they put beer in their meat as I'm always coming out of there a little happier than when I went in....but I digress.

So after having my lunch, I happily discovered that I had about 20 minutes to spare so I decide to go to a local CVS Pharmacy to buy one of those $1.99 celebrity rag magazines for the train ride home ("Are we there yet?") And as I'm standing on line I glance behind me to see a woman standing in front of the rack of chips: Doritos, Munch-o's, Sun-Chips, etc. The line that I'm on is rather long -- as most "lunch time lines" are, so I think nothing of it and proceed to wait...she's still there!

"Next Customer please step down." Thats me. I pay for my magazine. I turn...I look up and this chick is still standing there! Now, I'm seriously starting to wonder: Is she waiting for someone, is she about to steal something or is she really pondering over which bag of chips to buy? I'm amazed -- even kids don't take this long to decide. I honestly wanted to tell her: "Hurry up and pick a bag!!" The additives, food coloring and sodium are all gonna creep up and do you damage one day so ask yourself: does it really matter what color the bag or how intense the flavor? And after all of that y'all...

The bitch walked out without buying a single thing! WHAT IN THE HELL?! She elevated my damned blood pressure just wondering what she was gonna do! DAMN!!

Is It Just Me?

Riding in on the train this morning, I find that everyone is so somber and lost in themselves (this coming from the woman who literally doesn't want anyone uttering a single word to her before 10 a.m. My eyes say it all: "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who in the fuck do you think you're talking to? Oh, yeah? Ok." -- Remember Taxi Driver? :-D)

People are lost in the morning's news or maybe in a Nora Roberts novel. But then there are those who are not lost in some literary abiss but look totally lost. One lady looked totally out of it. Her eyes were shifting from side to side. She was playing with the fringe on her hobo bag. I was thinking it had to be one of two things: She either had too much coffee and her eyeballs were playing an involuntary game of ping-pong in her head or she was a tourist and was experiencing her first pangs of anxiety starting her day out in the Big Bad Apple without her tour group!

Maybe it is just me at this very moment but damn y'all its FRIDAY!! Lighten up! LOL I laugh because the day has just started and I totally may have a different take on this whole thing by noon. Check back in on me then...see how I'm doin'! :-)

Feeling Is Believing

"Good Morning New York!! You can expect today's temps to soar to a sweltering 98 degrees with thunderstorms expect this afternoon..." Good?! What the hell is so good about waking up with "crease marks" on my face (dude, this is what happens when you attempt to find a cool spot on the bed and pray that it stays that way longer than 3 seconds!) with a monumental dilemma in front of me: What in the hell am I gonna wear today?
Now I'm sure this question perplexes most women daily: "These pants would look cute with this top..." and so on and so forth. Along with the idea that they may be able to get a free coffee from the cart guy if he sees just enough cleavage while buttering your plain bagel! hehe But for me, clothes are not only about how I would look, but more importantly about how I would feel. I've been feeling less and less like a woman with purpose and I wanted my clothes to give that to me -- even if only as an external facade.
A skirt: Perhaps...but nothing that is ever too short -- it brings up memories of the second grade when while wearing "the dreaded skirt", a fellow classmate faked tying his shoe only to look up my skirt and promptly proceeded to inform the entire class while standing in two neat little lines (For what? A trip to the cafeteria...the library...the bathroom...who can remember!) that I had on yellow panties!!! I was MORTIFIED!!! I have to fight with the memory of that every time I think of wearing one. I'm getting better though...
Sheer brown blouse: I bought this blouse a week or so ago while I was out on an assignment at work. (Shopping while on the clock -- hehehe) This is a possibility as well. But my fear would be that not only would you know what color bra I'm wearing, but that my 34B's would want to escape for fear of further confinement!! ("Go!! Save yourselves!")
So what's it going to be? Something that says I'm confident and capable (and cool! Remember folks -- 98 DEGREES!) Nothing says cool like white. I'm starting to have a greater respect for it's crispness and simple elegance. ("Look Ma, no coffee stains!") and a great pair of pants. Oooh! Those pale green capris that I got at Old Navy the summer before. I was debating the color when I got them, but now I love them!
So, that it! Mission Accomplished! Not only do I look great, but I feel pretty darn good too! Well I'm off to finish getting ready for my day. Stay cool out there folks!

A Blog Grows In Brooklyn

I was talking to a friend of mine recently and I informed them that I had always loved to write (I do love to write, but be forewarned I am not a writer!! These entries I'm sure will be frothe with dangling participals and misspellings (Thank God for spell check!)
The conversation went a little something like this:
Me: I would love to start one of those online blogs…but I’m such a wuss. I’d probably have nothing to say.
Them: You always have something to say to me!!
Me: People write about anything, and end up with their own following: CYBER-GROUPIES!! :-)
Them: You should do it!
Me: :-( Do I have the drive…the initiative? Where did I leave that damned initiative?

Under the bed? No. In the closet? No. Where did I leave that damned initiative?
I know!! *Raises her hand to the disciplinarian in her head* Oooh! Oooh! Can I answer that?!
I had to have left it on the school yard with that girl who used to sell chapters of her short stories for 50 cents a pop!
Or maybe I left it in my high school Constitutional Law class with Mr. Kay – who referred to all his students as Barbie Dolls and Lollipops. Or maybe in front of Thursday night, 1990 TV where I was mesmerized by L.A. Law…
And you know what’s so funny…we’re constantly telling our friends and family about the plights in our lives; and what is it that we always say: “Mannnn, I could write a book!!” So why in the heck couldn’t I write a blog? Maybe because I wouldn’t know where to start. They should have a site or something called “Blogs for Beginners”. Low and behold: http://weblogs.about.com/ec/2.htm LOL Blogs for Beginners!! What will they think of next?!
But seriously folks, I need to find my calling – or at least a hobby that I enjoy. It wasn’t the hardest thing for a young boy named Karol Wojtyla – who will forever be known in the history books as Pope John Paul II. So what is to become of this little brown skinned girl from Brooklyn…? I guess you’ll have to read my blog and see. :-)